yes, be my judge

Assalamualaikum wbt,
tonight i'm bit tired because of the cold.
the phlegm and all, gosh, i'm very messy right now.
drop the subject, i'm not going to write on my cold, nor the phlegm, i just wanted to share the feelings that i had,
the sadness that i felt when i accidentally know what people thought about me, when they are yet to meet me.

since i began to remember my childhood, i remembered that i've been criticized ever since. i have two sisters, one big brother, and two younger brother. i'm not that cute when i was still a kid, not pretty either. back then, i don't have that many friends. to be precised, maybe i don't have any. i remembered that one of my neighbors asked her daughters not to be friend with me because i did not achieve straight A in my UPSR exam. what more the mother said that i 'm not pretty, so they cannot befriend with me. i was so sad, ever since, i stayed at home. my world evolved around my home and the school. i'm a loner. i spent my time either with reading or doing the homework.

ever since i was small, i've been compared with my two lovely sisters. yes, they're so lovely that i look up upon them like they are some kind of angel. they are the angels. people even surprised whenever they met the three of us, because they said i don't look like my parents' daughter. they said i looked different than my two sisters. i'm not as fair as my two sisters, and not as pretty as them both. is it bad that i looked different?
as i grew up, i got so scared to meet people. i am so scared, up until now, to meet people. i afraid they will say bad things about me. criticize me. but yes, they did say bad things about me, that i lose my confidence.

"she's fat, she's not pretty, she's got scar on her face, she's a kelantenese; kelantanese have a bad attitude, she's not pure malay,she' not smart, her english is bad, her grades are not good, she's not rich, she doesn't have a style, she doesn't follow the trends, she's not up-to-date, she's not in the best school.... bla, bla, bla"

people,
until when you want to keep on judging me?
i'm trying to live here.
please, do not kill my spirit,
i did nothing to you,
why would you go to the extend that you said only bad things about me?
am i that bad?
why?
is it because fat people like me, don't know how to feel sad?
i don't have a feelings?
people,
i do,
we do.
like you,
but then you won't bother, right?
you can just say anything that you wanted to say,
cause i'm not your daughter, not your sister,
i'm nobody to you.


what i can do?
i can just say this to myself

~it's ok julaiha, once they're tired, they will stop.be strong~

yes, be strong, no matter how hurt i am, no matter how sad this heart is,
countless tears on my cheek
i have to be tough, right?
He will take a good care of me,
no matter how hard it is,
He will always listen to me :)
yes, i know Allah planned something better for me,
i'm not trying to be pathetic here,
just that i'm trying to look for some strength  :)

~families, friends and arif~

thank you for lending me some of your strength :)
thank you for staying by my side
thank you for the loves
that keeps me awake and live.
this life is so challenging,
complicated
and hard
but there must have been something behind it
Allah works in a very mysterious way
surely He knows what is best for me, for us
dear Allah,
thanks for the years full of tests
they've made me stronger inside =)

dear people,
yes,
be my judge :)
hate me,
i'll be stronger inside
Insya Allah