kun fayakun

Assalamualaikum wbt,
on may 2, 2012 i was struck by a bad news. i was engulf

by the sadness, 

up to one point i questioned myself why

is it that this is happening to me.

whilst i knew that He is the all Knoweth.

Astaghfirullah, Dia lebih mengetahui.

sebelumnya juju merasa dikhianati.

someone that is so near to me, very dear to me,

is trying to get rid of me out of the life.

someone yang sangat juju sayang melebihi segalanya,

is trying to walk on the path of life without me.

someone yang convinced me that i can be very 

dependent kepada dia, now is trying to leave me.

It’s amazing right,

how at one point in our lives we will be extremely 

close with someone and then later they will become a complete stranger. 

You will pass by them without a word. Without a single acknowledging look.

This person, who once knew you so well, 

who once knew your fears, 

your desires, your dreams, your past, 

is now walking right past you, 

seeing right through you.

sungguh sedih, dan juju melayan kesedihan itu.

until one of my friends who is having a discussion 

with my room mate said this one magical word. 

KUN FAYAKUN.

jadilah, maka jadilah.

awak, 

ni memang ketentuan Dia.

but i beg you, please let me stay by your side.

awak,

you are the person who knew me so well, 

who knew my fears,

who knew my desires,

who knew my dreams,

pleaseeee...

do not walk past me,

do not see right through me.

please don't be my complete stranger.

awak,

awak cakap nak baca diari saya kan?
baca la blog ni.

half of my heart is here.

most of my feelings were written here.

dulu saya selalu post link blog kat wall awak kan

tapi sebab awak tak baca,

saya ingat awak tak sudi.

awak tahu tak, saya selalu tengok feedjit tu.

kalau-kalau awak ada baca apa-apa kat sini.

coz there are things that i want you to know.

things that are deeply buried in my heart.

and the rest in a black book called "half of me"

you'll find it in my bag.

indeed, i want you to read it silently.

i want you to read through me.

i want you to know what i feel, and how i'm 

hoping that you would read my feelings.

awak,

i've told you right,

come hell or high water i wanna be with you.

i wanna stay by your side.

just like how you stayed by my side when i am all alone.

sama-sama kita kuat dan menguatkan.

its a promised that we made together right?

please, let me get into your life.

cinta itu kecewa?

Assalamulaikum wbt,
dear blog,
back then i used to like this one person for seven years. or maybe eight.
couldn't recall,
but then he said it is more comfortable if we stay as a friend.
for a reason that only he knows.
unexpectedly, he was actually in a relationship with one of my friend.
and, that friend treat me like fool because she knew that i liked him, but she insisted me on confessing it to him. that was when i was in my form 5.
i confessed, but only when i began my studies at cfs iium nilai.
there was only one reason of why i confessed it.
i wanna let him go without regrets.
i wanna convince myself that in whatever conditions or situations,
he is not the right one for me.
he won't love me for the reasons only he knew.

Alhamdulillah,
i managed to pull myself together and start a new life.
i stop thinking about liking or loving people.
i'm enjoying every second of my life with my friends.
because i realized that i just like him, not love him.
and because i love Allah more, He helped me sooth my self.
i'm a lil bit calmer than usual.

i stopped thinking about love.
i asked Him
"Ya Allah, if You wanna let me love other person except my family,
please do not let me love him if he is not going to be mine.
please, let me love only the one who would help me complete the half part of my religion.
please, let me love only the one that can guide me to Your right path.
please, let me love only the one that will marry me and lovingly put me next to him.
please, let me love only the one that will respect me and my family.
please, let me love only the one that his family respects me and i can respect them back.
please, let me love only the one that accept me just the way i am, and love me without conditions.
please, when the time comes, please let only the khairurrijal comes to me,
bringing with him the marriage proposal"

i asked from Him a lot of things, didn't i?
thank you Allah.
but then, we can't stop thinking about love, right?
i want love too, but the one that ends with marriage.
because the first time i was disappointed,
so i let Him take care of me fully.
i won't plan anything about it.
kenapa?
kerana saya yakin yang Allah takkan tinggalkan saya dan kecewakan saya,
seperti yang dilakukan manusia kepada saya.






suatu hari saya berpeluang mengikuti kursus di Melaka.
hajat dihati mahu sahaja saya batalkan pemergian saya.
kerana merasakan hujung minggu sebaiknya dihabiskan bersama rakan-rakan dan merehatkan diri. apatah lagi ada kelas yang perlu saya ponteng (walaupun bersebab) untuk pergi ke sana.
namun tak sampai hati pula untuk membiarkan dua rakan lagi pergi tanpa saya.
saya buntu.
lekas, saya tanya Dia.
"Ya Allah, andai perginya hamba lebih baik dari tidak pergi, maka tunjukkan lah mana yang terbaik. tetapkan lah hati hamba pada keputusan yang terbaik."

He knows better. and He knows that it is better for me to go.

there, i met someone. and truly, i love him for no other reason, except i want to spend the rest of my life with him and only for Him i love that somebody.
call me freak, weird or what,
but i'm not being hypocrite.

i believe that parents blessings are crucial in whatever i'm doing.
so, by the times i knew that his parents don't really like me,
 i can do nothing except feeling so disappointed, and i cried.
Allah loves me so much that He keeps giving me a lot of hardships to strengthen my inner self.
this is what my heart told me.
but i'm just a normal human being.
tak mampu nak mengelak dari rasa kecewa.
there are a lot of people who don't like me yeah?

diri pula bertanya,
cinta itu kecewa? cinta itu air mata? cinta itu derita? cinta itu binasa? cinta itu terseksa?
untuk apa cubaan ini? untuk apa kesusahan ini?
untuk apa tangisan ini? untuk apa rasa hampa ini?

diri, usah ditanya untuk apa. tanyalah bagaimana untuk menghadapinya. tanyalah bagaimana bisa mengatasinya. tanyalah bagaimana menyelesaikannya.
apa yang Dia beri tak sia-sia.
pasti ada hikmah disebaliknya.
pasti Dia tak membenci malah lebih mencinta.
biarkan Dia mengatur segalanya.
pasti kita punya rencana,
tapi yang punya kuasa itu Dia.
Ya Allah, soal cinta hamba serahkan sahaja pada-Mu
kerana hamba mahukan cinta sampai kesyurga, bukan cinta yang menghantar ke neraka.

susah

Assalamualaikum wbt,
jujur saya katakan, nak mendidik diri menjadi baik itu susah. terutama kalau yang jenis berseorangan macam saya. godaannya maha hebat. sampai diri terasa penat nak melawan, dan tak larat.

susah juga, because i have to put people's right before my feelings and put their feelings before my rights. susah kan?
especially when i'm alone. even sometimes i feel myself is so pitiful.
hahaha
but then laughing and smiling like crazy can only help me endure this painful feelings inside.
Allah, thanks for giving me the ability to smile even when i'm in pain.

to tell the truth, there are always times where i wanted to be seen vulnerable no matter how thick my skin is, no matter how old i am, but yeah, who cares?

orang kata anak tengah personalitinya berbeza. selalunya lebih pelik. lebih banyak berdikari. lebih banyak menghabiskan masa sendiri. kenapa? sebab anak tengah ni selalunya kurang diberi perhatian, kurang menjadi "favourite" untuk mak dan ayah. anak tengah ni pun selalu kena mengalah. bila gaduh dengan kakak, mak dengan ayah akan cakap, adik kena mengalah. bila bergaduh dengan adik, mak ayah akan cakap jadi kakak kena mengalah dengan adik. anak tengah mudah sangat tertekan. sebab ni la. lama-lama anak tengah ni akan terbiasa buat semuanya sendiri.

anak tengah ni karakternya lebih suka berdikari, lebih suka buat semuanya sendiri. keyakinan diri kurang, sebab selalu kena mengalah. ada perangai sikit. perangai ape? perangai nakkan perhatian dari mak ayah la. selalunya perangai yang nakal la. sebabnya anak tengah ni berperang dengan suara hati. hati cakap yang mak ayah takkan bagi perhatian, tapi anak tengah ni akan deny. cara deny nya adalah dengan buat perangai tu la. nak buktikan yang mak ayah care. bila buat salah, anak tengah mengharapkan yang mak dengan ayah akan duduk dengan dia, tanya kenapa buat ni, tak bagus buat macam ni. tapi mak ayah selalunya akan ambil pendekatan untuk marah dan hukum tanpa tanya apa sebenarnya yang mereka nak. apa yang buat dorang jadi macam ni.

saya anak tengah dan ini apa yang saya rasa. mungkin tak semua anak tengah macam saya. ada orang yang pendekatan ibubapanya lain.

dan saya memang nak sangat orang yang saya sayang bagi perhatian kat saya. opppssss, orang yang saya sayang, tapi sayangkah orang kat saya, hihihi.
saya akan cepat rasa sedih bila orang ignore saya. urm, rasa macam terhina sikit. but then i guess, that is not a problem (should not be a problem to me). because i've been alone since i was a kid. it's just that being a grown up, i forgot the feeling of being alone, and how being alone back then didn't kill me.
i used to be alone. and i'm alive. what is there to be afraid of, right?

moral

Seorang doktor meluru masuk ke ruang hospital dalam keadaan tergesa-gesa selepas mendapat panggilan kecemasan dari pihak hospital..
dia menukar pakaian dan terus meluru ke blok pembedahan..
dia mendapati ayah kepada budak yang berada dalam bilik pembedahan sedang berdiri menunggunya..
apabila si ayah melihat doktor itu, dia terus berteriak..

"kenapa kamu ambil masa yg lama utk datang..??kamu tahu tak anak saya dalam bahaya sekarang ni..??kamu tak ada rasa bertanggungjawab ke..??"

doktor tersebut tersenyum dan berkata :

" saya minta maaf, saya berada di luar hospital dan saya datang sepantas yang mungkin selepas mendapat panggilan kecemasan tu..dan sekarang, saya harap anda bertenang..jadi, saya dapat buat kerja saya.."

"bertenang kamu kata..?! kalau anak kamu berada dalam bilik tu sekarang ni, bolehkah kamu bertenang..??kalau anak kamu mati sekarang nie apa yg kamu buat..??kata si ayah dgn marah..

si doktor tersenyum lagi lalu berkata :

" saya akan kata bahawa Allah telah berfirman dlm kitab-Nya yg suci " daripada Allah kita datang dan kepada-Nya kita kembali"..doktor tak mampu untuk memanjangkan hayat seseorang..Insya-Allah kami akan cuba yang terbaik untuk anak kamu.."

"memberi nasihat bila kita tak mengalaminya memang senang..!" gumam si ayah..

pembedahan tu mengambil masa beberapa jam..tak lama kemudian, si doktor keluar dengan gembira..

"alhamdulillah..anak anda selamat..!" dia terus berjalan tanpa menghiraukan si ayah "kalau kamu ada sebarang soalan..kamu boleh tanya jururawat..!"

"kenapa doktor tu sombong sangat..?! tak boleh ke dia tunggu beberapa minit supaya saya dapat tanya beberapa soalan tentang anak saya..?!"komen si ayah selepas melihat jururawat..

jururawat itu berkata sambil air mata mengalir di pipinya : "anaknya meninggal dunia semalam dalam kemalangan jalan raya..dia berada dalam upacara pengebumian anaknya ketika kami menghubunginya untuk pembedahan anak encik..dan sekarang dia telahpun menyelamatkan nyawa anak encik, dia tergesa-gesa untuk menghabiskan upacara pengebumian anaknya.."

-moral : Never judge anyone..... because you'll never know what they're going through...

c.c:fb

yes, be my judge

Assalamualaikum wbt,
tonight i'm bit tired because of the cold.
the phlegm and all, gosh, i'm very messy right now.
drop the subject, i'm not going to write on my cold, nor the phlegm, i just wanted to share the feelings that i had,
the sadness that i felt when i accidentally know what people thought about me, when they are yet to meet me.

since i began to remember my childhood, i remembered that i've been criticized ever since. i have two sisters, one big brother, and two younger brother. i'm not that cute when i was still a kid, not pretty either. back then, i don't have that many friends. to be precised, maybe i don't have any. i remembered that one of my neighbors asked her daughters not to be friend with me because i did not achieve straight A in my UPSR exam. what more the mother said that i 'm not pretty, so they cannot befriend with me. i was so sad, ever since, i stayed at home. my world evolved around my home and the school. i'm a loner. i spent my time either with reading or doing the homework.

ever since i was small, i've been compared with my two lovely sisters. yes, they're so lovely that i look up upon them like they are some kind of angel. they are the angels. people even surprised whenever they met the three of us, because they said i don't look like my parents' daughter. they said i looked different than my two sisters. i'm not as fair as my two sisters, and not as pretty as them both. is it bad that i looked different?
as i grew up, i got so scared to meet people. i am so scared, up until now, to meet people. i afraid they will say bad things about me. criticize me. but yes, they did say bad things about me, that i lose my confidence.

"she's fat, she's not pretty, she's got scar on her face, she's a kelantenese; kelantanese have a bad attitude, she's not pure malay,she' not smart, her english is bad, her grades are not good, she's not rich, she doesn't have a style, she doesn't follow the trends, she's not up-to-date, she's not in the best school.... bla, bla, bla"

people,
until when you want to keep on judging me?
i'm trying to live here.
please, do not kill my spirit,
i did nothing to you,
why would you go to the extend that you said only bad things about me?
am i that bad?
why?
is it because fat people like me, don't know how to feel sad?
i don't have a feelings?
people,
i do,
we do.
like you,
but then you won't bother, right?
you can just say anything that you wanted to say,
cause i'm not your daughter, not your sister,
i'm nobody to you.


what i can do?
i can just say this to myself

~it's ok julaiha, once they're tired, they will stop.be strong~

yes, be strong, no matter how hurt i am, no matter how sad this heart is,
countless tears on my cheek
i have to be tough, right?
He will take a good care of me,
no matter how hard it is,
He will always listen to me :)
yes, i know Allah planned something better for me,
i'm not trying to be pathetic here,
just that i'm trying to look for some strength  :)

~families, friends and arif~

thank you for lending me some of your strength :)
thank you for staying by my side
thank you for the loves
that keeps me awake and live.
this life is so challenging,
complicated
and hard
but there must have been something behind it
Allah works in a very mysterious way
surely He knows what is best for me, for us
dear Allah,
thanks for the years full of tests
they've made me stronger inside =)

dear people,
yes,
be my judge :)
hate me,
i'll be stronger inside
Insya Allah

blog mereka cantik :)

Assalamualaikum wbt,
tadi juju blogwalking jap. serius blog mereka-mereka ini sangat cantik. sangat lah canggihnya, tak terlawan blog juju ngan dorang,
hehehehe.
aduh, sakit kepala pulak. nape ntah :(tadi punya lah plan ngan zara, aisyah, fatin and mas nak pergi berbasikal. malangnya hujan pula tadi :(
tertangguh lagi plan kami.
tapi takpe, memandangkan hujan tu rahmat Allah, nape pulak kita nak sedih kalau hujan, kan?
cuba tengok negara-negara lain yang panas je sepanjang tahun, taburan hujan yang sikit, mesti air pun tak cukup kan?
kesian dorang. makanan tak cukup, air tak cukup.
tapi kita kat malaysia ni siap membazir lagi. kalau lauk sama je complain, padahal orang kat somalia sume tu, kalu dapat air nasi pun jadi lah. sedih kan?
tahu tak air nasi tu ape?
air nasi tu, kalu tak salah juju, maksudnya masak sikit beras dengan menggunakan air yang banyak. eventually, beras tu hancur sebab terlalu banyak air dan jadi sebati dengan air tu. jadi macam bubur , macam time kita masak nasi tu masa air dah start menggelegak. sedih kan?
sebab tu lah, ada sorang kakak no cakap ngan juju, kalu kita start rasa riak je, puasa lah. kerana puasa itu menahan sifat mazmumah dalam diri kita. banyak hikmah puasa kan? 


ok, sorry sorry, juju dah ntah kemana-mana je membebel ni. tapi ni lah juju. hidup juju tak lah banyak sangat menda menarik untuk diceritakan, tapi Alhamdulillah, hidup yang juju jalani ni, sudah diatur yang Maha Berkuasa dengan sangat baiknya. Dia kuatkan juju dengan buat juju sedih, buat juju sakit, tetapi Dia buat juju rasa gembira sangat-sangat jugak. bila Dia reward juju bila juju mula move on dari rasa sakit tu, bila juju tinggalkan rasa sedih tu. Dia sangat adil, kan?
Dia kuatkan hati juju dengan buat orang benci juju, marah juju, sebab Dia nak juju sayang dorang lagi banyak. kan?
life is sweet, sweeter than i thought :)

kembar :)

Assalamualaikum wbt,
kembar, tu ha tajuk post kali ni. alkisahnya tadi masa juju nak buat kek cawan@cupcakes, macam biasa lah juju pecahkan telur tu and masukkan dalam mangkuk. sampai giliran telur yang ke-4, keluar la isinya yang mana kuning telur tu ada dua. kembar. pewit, best......

mungkinkah ini merupakan satu tanda yang juju akan dapat anak kembar? ;)
(p/s:sila lempang saya laju-laju right on my left cheek, hehehehe)

zaman dulu-dulu, orang tak berani nak makan makanan yang kembar ni. contohnya, pisang, strawberry, betik and sometimes telur. dorang percaya yang kalau makan makanan kembar akan buat dorang mengandungkan anak kembar. disebabkan payahnya nak melahirkan anak dulu dengan teknologi yang kurang canggih, maka semua orang memang takut la nak dapat anak kembar.

tapi sekarang ni, semua orang berebut nak anak kembar. siap makan ubat lagi. juju pun kalau boleh nak gak anak kembar ni. dah siapkan nama dah pun.


semuanya berpangkal ZMA untuk anak-anak lelaki dan berpangkal ZNA untuk anak perempuan. i bet, they must be looked as sweet as their daddy.

(okay, sila lempang saya laju-laju. dan jangan termuntah)

ok lah, esok juju update lagi. sok ada citer hot nak kongsi ngan blog ni

tatatatata blog.
sayang kamu

terlepas sudah =.='

Assalamulaikum wbt,
ni entry kedua hari ni.

sorry blog, kamu kena bekerja keras hari ni =.='

blog, sila jangan gelak atau suruh juju pergi beli cermin bila juju ceritakan kisah ni.

alkisah, ada manusia tu, berangan nak masuk photoshoot ngan Annas Eskay (photographer popular okay) untuk yang plus size ni. alang-alang orang dok cakap juju ni plus size (okay la, kantoi la yang manusia tu juju), ade la angan-angannye nak join sama. tapi gambar pulak takde, dia nak gambar full body untyk penilaian tahap keplusan kesaizannye. nak tengok gambar juju? jeng jeng jeng

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ni ha gambarnye
sila ketawa senyap-senyap
dan abaikan gambar kereta yang tetibe datang parking waktu juju ngah syok wat photoshoot ni ;p

alkisah jugak, hari ni juju tersnap gambar. saje nak bergaya ngan payung tu je sebenarnye. mula-mula tarikh tutupnye 15 jun ni, tapi agak-agaknye ramai sangat orang nak join (yelah, bukan senang orang nak wat photoshoot ngan kite yang plus size ni, plus dapat make up and wardrobe fully sponsored ). Annas pun dah tak terlayan agaknye nak upload sume gambar tu, contest tu pun dah tutup.

huhuhu, melepas la saya. ohhhh, juju sangat kuciwa.... padan muka la kan, sape suh tangguh-tangguh, hah kan dah melepas. takpelah, takde rezeki. Lalink, kesian saya, sekarang nak focus kat  I LOVE CHOCOLATE CONTEST la pulak. oleh cik zaridah. ni link dia, sila klik sini. mula-mula tarikh tutup dia 31/07/2011. tapi sekarang dia dah gerakkan ke 08/08/2011. sesape nak join, boleh la pegi ke link beliau dan tengok syarat-syarat penyertaan. hadiah dia, lumayan kot. chocolate and softoys :)
juju suka....

(p/s: cik zaridah, saya nak softoys strawberry yang sangat besar, boleh ?)

mistakes

gubahan kedua mungkin tak seindah gubahan pertama,
tapi tak bermaksud tak boleh lagi indah dari gubahan pertama
memang tak sama,
berbeza pengalamannya,
berbeza cara menjaganya,
kerana kita belajar dari kesilapan.
bukan sengaja melakukan kesalahan,
tapi itulah asam garam kehidupan,
yang khilaf, sedar dan segera belajar adalah lebih baik dari mereka yang tak pernah khilaf.
itu yang membuatkan kita sedar yang manusia tak ada yang sempurna dan berbeza dari segi taraf.
~to Him we shall return the glory~

bila

Bila cinta kini
Tak lagi bermakna
Yang ku rasa kini
Hanyalah nestapa
Ditinggalkan cinta masa lalu

Dulu kau tawarkan
Manisnya janjimu
Yang ku sambut itu
Dengan segenap hatiku
Bila engkau pergi
Tinggalkanku

Hilangnya cintamu
Menusuk hatiku
Hingga ku memilih
Cinta yang fana

Perginya dirimu
merobek jantungku
Hingga ku terjatuh
Dalam harapan

Hilangnya cintamu
Menusuk hatiku
Hingga ku terjatuh
Dalam harapan
Dalam harapan

juju suka sangat