cinta itu kecewa?

Assalamulaikum wbt,
dear blog,
back then i used to like this one person for seven years. or maybe eight.
couldn't recall,
but then he said it is more comfortable if we stay as a friend.
for a reason that only he knows.
unexpectedly, he was actually in a relationship with one of my friend.
and, that friend treat me like fool because she knew that i liked him, but she insisted me on confessing it to him. that was when i was in my form 5.
i confessed, but only when i began my studies at cfs iium nilai.
there was only one reason of why i confessed it.
i wanna let him go without regrets.
i wanna convince myself that in whatever conditions or situations,
he is not the right one for me.
he won't love me for the reasons only he knew.

Alhamdulillah,
i managed to pull myself together and start a new life.
i stop thinking about liking or loving people.
i'm enjoying every second of my life with my friends.
because i realized that i just like him, not love him.
and because i love Allah more, He helped me sooth my self.
i'm a lil bit calmer than usual.

i stopped thinking about love.
i asked Him
"Ya Allah, if You wanna let me love other person except my family,
please do not let me love him if he is not going to be mine.
please, let me love only the one who would help me complete the half part of my religion.
please, let me love only the one that can guide me to Your right path.
please, let me love only the one that will marry me and lovingly put me next to him.
please, let me love only the one that will respect me and my family.
please, let me love only the one that his family respects me and i can respect them back.
please, let me love only the one that accept me just the way i am, and love me without conditions.
please, when the time comes, please let only the khairurrijal comes to me,
bringing with him the marriage proposal"

i asked from Him a lot of things, didn't i?
thank you Allah.
but then, we can't stop thinking about love, right?
i want love too, but the one that ends with marriage.
because the first time i was disappointed,
so i let Him take care of me fully.
i won't plan anything about it.
kenapa?
kerana saya yakin yang Allah takkan tinggalkan saya dan kecewakan saya,
seperti yang dilakukan manusia kepada saya.






suatu hari saya berpeluang mengikuti kursus di Melaka.
hajat dihati mahu sahaja saya batalkan pemergian saya.
kerana merasakan hujung minggu sebaiknya dihabiskan bersama rakan-rakan dan merehatkan diri. apatah lagi ada kelas yang perlu saya ponteng (walaupun bersebab) untuk pergi ke sana.
namun tak sampai hati pula untuk membiarkan dua rakan lagi pergi tanpa saya.
saya buntu.
lekas, saya tanya Dia.
"Ya Allah, andai perginya hamba lebih baik dari tidak pergi, maka tunjukkan lah mana yang terbaik. tetapkan lah hati hamba pada keputusan yang terbaik."

He knows better. and He knows that it is better for me to go.

there, i met someone. and truly, i love him for no other reason, except i want to spend the rest of my life with him and only for Him i love that somebody.
call me freak, weird or what,
but i'm not being hypocrite.

i believe that parents blessings are crucial in whatever i'm doing.
so, by the times i knew that his parents don't really like me,
 i can do nothing except feeling so disappointed, and i cried.
Allah loves me so much that He keeps giving me a lot of hardships to strengthen my inner self.
this is what my heart told me.
but i'm just a normal human being.
tak mampu nak mengelak dari rasa kecewa.
there are a lot of people who don't like me yeah?

diri pula bertanya,
cinta itu kecewa? cinta itu air mata? cinta itu derita? cinta itu binasa? cinta itu terseksa?
untuk apa cubaan ini? untuk apa kesusahan ini?
untuk apa tangisan ini? untuk apa rasa hampa ini?

diri, usah ditanya untuk apa. tanyalah bagaimana untuk menghadapinya. tanyalah bagaimana bisa mengatasinya. tanyalah bagaimana menyelesaikannya.
apa yang Dia beri tak sia-sia.
pasti ada hikmah disebaliknya.
pasti Dia tak membenci malah lebih mencinta.
biarkan Dia mengatur segalanya.
pasti kita punya rencana,
tapi yang punya kuasa itu Dia.
Ya Allah, soal cinta hamba serahkan sahaja pada-Mu
kerana hamba mahukan cinta sampai kesyurga, bukan cinta yang menghantar ke neraka.