Numb

On the night of the new year we went for midnight movie. Watching Ip Man 3.
One of things that i've been wanting to do since we moved here. But due to limited time and financial resources, lists are going longer but no cross off marks.

First movie date for 4 years of marriage.
The first movie date was when we were a couple. Tengok cerita shrek 4 happy ever after.

He said he'd done it a few times already. Sadly not with me😢.

Throughout the movie, i've been wanting to hold his hand. But too afraid to do so.
And i guess i looked at him more often than putting my eyes on the screen. With this giant question mark in my head.

"Abang, masih rasa kosong ke bila abang tengok mira?"

"Abang, what are you feeling right now?"

"Abang, do you enjoy this moment as much as i am?"

And a lot more q's that i myself have no answers.

On our way back,
He talked a lot.
About why he took those decision.
About what he's feeling.
About his family.
About why i'm gonna hurt and suffer more when i stay.

Hey hubby,
This wife of yours is so strong that she survived living even when most of the times she's alone.
A few more hurtful events won't hurt her as much as she's going to hurt when you leave her in the nearest future.

Setiap kali mira ulang.
Tak mengapa kalau sakit
Kerana penawarnya abang.

Bila abang ulang ulang pasal pisah is a better decision, this wife feels like dying.
Dia terus lembik.
Tak kuat.
Dia rasa numb.
Hidup macam tak ada ertinya lagi.
Masa tak terasa berlalu pergi.
Air mata mengalir tak berhenti.